Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership

As a homosexual male in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, largely enjoyable years pursuing spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Every time I begin to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.

Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy

Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many homosexual males engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while letting me pursue other intimacies, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.

Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and find some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you could encounter someone who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over the future and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and a waste of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and see the worth of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.

• Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American therapy professional focusing on treating sexual disorders.