The Words given by A Parent That Rescued Us as a Brand-New Father

"I think I was simply just surviving for a year."

One-time reality TV star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly became "utterly different" to what he pictured.

Severe health issues surrounding the birth resulted in his partner Louise admitted to hospital. Suddenly he was forced into acting as her primary caregiver as well as taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I handled all the nights, every change… every walk. The duty of mother and father," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support.

The direct words "You aren't in a good place. You require assistance. In what way can I support you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but seldom highlighted. While people is now better used to talking about the strain on mums and about PND, less is said about the difficulties fathers face.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a broader failure to open up among men, who continue to hold onto damaging notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the rock that just takes the pounding and stays upright every time."

"It's not a show of being weak to request help. I failed to do that quick enough," he explains.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, says men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can believe they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - particularly in preference to a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental state is equally important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the opportunity to ask for a pause - going on a short trip overseas, outside of the home environment, to gain perspective.

He came to see he required a shift to consider his and his partner's emotional states as well as the practical tasks of caring for a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he discovered he'd missed "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan sees fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotion and make sense of his parenting choices.

The concept of "parenting yourself" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "amazing" relationship with his dad, deep-held trauma meant his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their connection.

Stephen says bottling up emotions resulted in him make "terrible decisions" when he was younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in drink and drugs as an escape from the anguish.

"You find your way to things that don't help," he explains. "They may short-term modify how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Coping as a New Dad

• Open up to someone - if you feel swamped, confide in a trusted person, your spouse or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Remember your hobbies - continue with the pursuits that allowed you to feel like yourself before having a baby. Examples include exercising, socialising or a favourite hobby.
• Look after the physical stuff - a good diet, getting some exercise and if you can, resting, all are important in how your mind is doing.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that seeking help is not failure - taking care of you is the optimal method you can care for your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the passing, having not spoken to him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his boy and instead provide the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men due to the fact that they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to control themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… sitting with things and handling things," says Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, sometimes I think my role is to teach and advise you what to do, but in reality, it's a dialogue. I'm learning just as much as you are in this journey."